GUITAR!!!

There are certain thresholds that people cross that simply ruin their credibility. I was listening to the radio and there was actually an Aerosmith song that at one point Steven says…”GUITAR!!!” and then the GUITAR wails out. Thank you Steven Tyler for making me realize that behind monumental success there stands a boy, a very akward one with beer bought friends.

The whole concept of announcing something that is already there is crazy. How is this even cool to the band? No one goes rocking out and screams …”KEYBOARD!!” If 3/4 of the band is comfortable with the audience recognizing the instrument what makes the guitar so freaking special? Maybe if it were used as much as the triangle I could see the necessity in the announcement.

Playing the guitar is something most people try. These are the people trying to rehab their lonely nights into busy ones. I think it woud be a sight to meet the one guitar playing virgin. It’s understood. A guitar equals sex. No one argues, no one asks questions. Once that guitar is left out for someone to see the foreplay has begun.

Why? Maybe it’s the multi-tasking capabilities with having both hands moving and grooving together. Maybe it’s that for 3.5 minutes someone is not directly focusing on anyone in particular. Attention is power. When we take it or give it people notice. Some of them even derobe.

When women take their clothes off at a concert what are they expecting to happen? First of all, if I am paying x ammount of dollars, I want the show to be on stage. If some box is taking her top off and it affects the band, just imagine the repercussions that will insue once they realize how scuzzy she really is.

Is flashing really the ultimate sign of approval. Are the nipples that high on the scale of bodily justification. The nips must be at least the polar opposite of the middle finger. No one shows their chest unless life is euphoric. At the same time, you really can tell what someone has been up to when they lift that shirt. Either way we all look to see.


A New Lease on Life

It’s over. The apartment search has concluded and yes people it is possible to find a one bedroom that is nice, affordable, and not in a government housing project. I was growing horribly tired of the crapholes I was visiting. Many fit the shoebox size comparison, and a few were more like the shoebox the dead hamster was put in.

I almost went studio but didn’t because I would never leave my bed. It would be this catch all for activity that should not be had in a bed. The day I no longer dine in my bed I will finally reach that potential my teachers spoke of.

Never will I trust the words of the newspaper. When reading a classified without a photo I started to give the benefit of the doubt to the owners. People who don’t use a photo are frankly cheaper than ten cent Ramen they eat on Thanksgiving. The concept behind the garden apartment is a strange one. The garden is an ideal segue between mom’s basement and an actual apartment. Personally, my decision came from realizing I have more head room in my Malibu.

Features are what get us to sign, right? Some of the less fortunate places were throwing anything but decency at me. My favorite line a realitor said was “it will look much better before you move in, so just keep that in mind.” One of my concerns is that it is near an L stop. When asked about the nearest locale, the woman said “there is one really close to here. All you have to do is walk about two blocks east, grab a cab or the bus and take it a mile to Division.” Everyone has their own definition of close I guess.

There was one place that was an old hotel. It was pretty sweet but at the same time the mystique of dirty politicians bootleg brandy is more than stale for my liking. The owner was walking around with some death scented stogie and he walked with the swager of one that knows the shit smell is coming from their own shoe. His kitchen rivaled the easy bake oven, the sink looked like an Alabama lawn ornament. In the bathroom, the color scheme was asylum white with grout black. The toilet was something out of the Alcatraz section of Pottery Barn. To top it off the place came with the Murphy’s bed. You know the one that comes out of the wall. I sure think it was called a herpes bed with the general apperance of a spotted uncooked processed grey government meat.

I like my new place because it is well, in the city, near the L, and most of all the gas station will actually allow you to enter the building to pay for gas- I think. Incase you’re looking to move here’s my guide to staying out of the ghetto.

1. If there are more Currency Exchanges than Starbucks in a mile – no go
2. If you have to pay for gas by sliding the money in the drawer as the 1st generation employee shudders in fear – no go
3. If the nicest car on the block doesn’t have THAT much rust – no go.

Happy Hunting.


News Flash

Ok first the good news. This past Saturday the two man debut of The Inseam Asylum went well. There was 16 people there to see us alone plus the other guests. Nice job on the byob policy.

Now the even better news. I will be performing stand up at Donny’s Sky Box @ Second City next Sunday at 6pm. Then on the 20th The Inseam Asylum will be performing at Donny’s Sky Box @ Second City. $5 at the door. Alcohol served too. This is big so hopefully you can make it. The theater is on the 3rd floor of Piper’s Alley.

~~~~~~~~~

I think I understand why the european culture refrains from moving out until marriage. The search for an apartment is as fun as trying to determine the sexual history of an one night stand. You can take it at face value but it’s in your best interest to listen to your gut.

Many people compare a small apartment to that of a shoebox. Well, I recently have seen the one that I put my dead hamster in when I was ten. Never can you have the chance to control unless you build it up yourself. If there are old folks homes why can’t we have the youth movement centers? I just wish that I could walk to a bar, the L, and get to a highway with relative ease and not have to worry about people that have never lived in Chicago telling me where the bad people live. Which for anyone outside of suburbia bad people commonly are known as minorities.

If I were to ever fall for one minority which I could see only because of sheer posibility, it would be a wonderful life with a soundrack of whispers. Why do I even discuss this matter? There is now a bounty that I will marry in the next 5 years. SImply because my brother and sister married 5 years apart. Mathematics aside, I know that I have an eight week policy that I am still staying good on.

~~~~~~

I ate lunch at Denny’s and now have a desire to file for government assistance. Typically a meal out makes you feel special and then you return to the obscure with blind hope renewed. I feel like I should be either on my death bed or on my way to an early morning church service.

I wonder what is the typical age most people become more religious? Is it once they retire? That whole concept of retiring has completely inflated the life expectancy rate. Centuries ago, people dying in their thirties was normal, but then once some nitwit wanted a pension all America wanted to keep up with the Joneses. Now we have pills that simply help us take up prime real estate on the highway and beach for people who could actually maneuver around it. I am not planning on busting my tail down the court of life only to pass the ball to someone else. Selfish, maybe, but until I hear the 401k transfers over then I will buy the craze of conservation.


Second to None

I left work at 7:15 tonight. I felt good about the work ethic, the determination, the struggle. Then I got the call from my mom. I expected the news today but it still didn’t amass until I was there. Today my sister and brother in law, became parents for the second time. What makes this a great story is that one- this is their second straight intentional child, and two I got to see her on the first day.

I have been animate about the singel bachelor life for quite some time. That may very well be possible but I tell you nothing compells another like the immense tribute to eachother like the next generation. About five hours ago I was clueless. I get it now. I can’t really explain it now but it honestly moved me. This moment could very well have been the welcome mat to a world I have been resisting only to be resisting something.

Perhaps the predetermined title of Godfather (it’s ok do your Brando) made this moment sweeter. I am sure that it was that I was there. I now realize what I missed when my nephew was born. I can’t wait to teach her the first prank to pull on her mom.

Second to None

Natural glances birth new chances
proving fait is faith in
two for one sacrifice
solitary blinks invert
the wood work of hope
tomorrow’s laughter hugs
unconditional echoes of nature’s inspiration
never comparable
a moment’s peace is now
wrapped in heaven’s glow
forever;
second to none

Congratulations Lisa, Eddie


This Week's Shows

So it begins. Another week. Well here’s something to look forward to.

Tuesday: Open Mic Comedy @ Island’s ( a most needed return to one of the best rooms in Chiland) 3856 N. Ashland 8:30 start. Free

Wednesday: Micetro Improv (competitive improv, audience can play too!) 1802 Berenice (Lincoln & Berenice, walk to the end of Berenice) 8pm start- $6 for actors, $10 for day jobbers. BYOB

Saturday: Inseam Asylum (DEBUT SHOW! Improv comedy by 2 tall guys- a new recipe for laughter I believe) 4210 N Lincoln 10pm start- $10 (I think it may be $8) BYOB

Sunday: The Second City Improv Class Showcase (Level D performance, games similar to Who’s Line…) 1616 N Wells. 2pm- Free.

I really would love to see you all at all of these but know that you are busy folks. Spread the word too please.

Contact me with any questions.


This Week’s Shows

So it begins. Another week. Well here’s something to look forward to.

Tuesday: Open Mic Comedy @ Island’s ( a most needed return to one of the best rooms in Chiland) 3856 N. Ashland 8:30 start. Free

Wednesday: Micetro Improv (competitive improv, audience can play too!) 1802 Berenice (Lincoln & Berenice, walk to the end of Berenice) 8pm start- $6 for actors, $10 for day jobbers. BYOB

Saturday: Inseam Asylum (DEBUT SHOW! Improv comedy by 2 tall guys- a new recipe for laughter I believe) 4210 N Lincoln 10pm start- $10 (I think it may be $8) BYOB

Sunday: The Second City Improv Class Showcase (Level D performance, games similar to Who’s Line…) 1616 N Wells. 2pm- Free.

I really would love to see you all at all of these but know that you are busy folks. Spread the word too please.

Contact me with any questions.


Oscar Picks

Tonight is the night for the Oscars. TIme for me to stake my claim for who I think will win. Now I unfortunately will rely upon the politics of Hollywood more than the films themself since I didn’t see all of them.

Actor- Lead Foreign Language Film
Jamie Foxx- Ray The Chorus

Actor- Supporting Makeup
Alan Alda- The Aviator The Passion of the Christ

Actress- Lead Music (score)
Hilary Swank- Million Dollar Baby The Passion of the Christ

Actress- Supporting Music (song)
Cate Blanchett- The Aviator “Look to your Path” The Chorus

Animated Feature Best Picture
The Incredibles Million Dollar Baby

Art Direction Short Film (animated)
The Aviator Gopher Broke

Cinemetography Short Film (live action)
House of Flying Daggers 7:35 in the morning

Costume Design Sound Editing
Lemony Snickets Spider-Man2

Directing Sound Mixing
The Aviator Ray

Documentary Visual Effects
Super Size Me I, Robot

Documentary Short Writing (adapted screenplay)
Sister Rose’s Passion Finding Neverland

Film Editing Writing (original screenplay)
Million Dollar Baby (Hotel Rwanda)

I will thank the Academy later.